Friday, March 7, 2014

Meeting Dr. Jean

The day had finally arrived when I was to meet Dr. Jean.  A combination of excitement and nervousness coursed through my body as I drove forty miles to my destination.  Of course, I got lost.  I would like to blame it all on the little lady in my GPS, but it was probably also due to my nerves.  Thankfully, I had given myself a lot of time to get there, so I only ended up being about five minutes late.  I hustled in to the building and walked inside a beautiful office.  Warm sunlight filtered in through the windows, shining on hard wood floors that were seating chairs and live plants.  Instantly I felt calm.  The whole office just breathed relaxation.  I gave my name to the patient woman at the desk, Ada, who had talked to me on the phone giving me the correct directions.  I took a seat, pulled out my Kindle, and prepared to wait. 

Dr. Jean's Office

Approximately eleven seconds went by before I was being called back.  Really?  Now, there was no one else in the waiting room of the office, so I wasn’t surprised to hear my name called.  I just never imagined it being called so soon.  Didn’t I wait almost two hours at the other doctor’s office?  Happily, I put my Kindle back in my purse and followed the nurse.  She took my weight, my blood pressure, and all pertinent information.  I liked her.  She was warm and kind, much like an old friend.  We joked around a bit and I felt like I was finally where I should be. 

After getting my information she took my chart to make a copy.  This was going to be the key to letting the doctor know exactly what was going on with my body.  I was moved to Dr. Jean’s office to wait while the copy was being made and Dr. Jean reviewed it.  Like the waiting room, it was filled with sunlight.  Pictures of her family graced her shelves and diplomas decorated her walls.  I stretched my arms and legs, a nervous habit I had recognized in myself while I was in elementary school.  Anxiously, I listened for movement outside the door, letting me know that Dr. Jean was going to enter.

Ten minutes of waiting felt like ten years, but it was worth the wait.  The gentle face of Dr. Jean appeared in the doorway and she embraced me as though she already knew me.  She began by telling me that Liz had been in contact with her, sending her copies of my chart and discussing our findings.  Despite it only being our first meeting she knew so much about my medical history already.  Still, she wanted to hear about my experiences from me.  So for the next hour and a half I shared.  In fact, I poured my heart out to her.  I was suffering and struggling.  There were no answers, only pain and fear.  What if I never feel better?  What if they can’t get rid of my endometriosis?  Worse, what if I can never have a baby?

That last question was beginning to be my greatest fear.  I didn’t really let on to anyone how nervous that made me, but it was always on my mind.  From the time I was little I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I just knew.  Many women say that, and they probably felt the same way I did, but I just always wanted a child.  Someone to shower with love and affection, to teach and also learn from, to fulfill my dream.  What if it never happened?  I knew that Jonathan wanted children, but I don’t think that he had that same yearn that I did.  I shared my fears with my mom and she tried to assure me that it would happen one day, but I think she didn’t want that day to be too soon.  (I am sure it was strange to for her to look at her little girl and see a mother).  Never one to hold much inside, I opened up to others, but stopped soon after someone had said, “Don’t you think that God is just trying to tell you that you aren’t meant to have children?”

Dr. Jean listened, smiled, and comforted me.  She told me that I would feel better and that we were going to do all that we could to get me pregnant.  We.  Not just her, not just me, but us, together.  It was a simple word, but with great meaning that I don’t think she had recognized.  My journey and my struggle were now shared.  I wasn’t going to be going through this alone.  I wasn’t going to be a nameless face in a sea of patients.  Dr. Jean was going to know me and be with me through it all. 

My chart was still not showing much, so I needed to come back after a few more weeks of charting.  Hopefully, the additional time would allow for my body to return to “normal,” or at least normal for me.  I was to look for signs of ovulation and get blood work to examine my hormone levels.  Those would give us insight in to exactly what was going on. 

Not much was going on though.  Soon, even I could look at my chart and see that something was very wrong.  Stay tuned for my next visit with Dr. Jean and our plan for another surgery.

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