Are "Mommy Wars" a Real Thing?

There seems to be a new popular article on Facebook each week (or day).  Sometimes it is about moms needing to cover up while breastfeeding, toys that we owned that prove we were true children of the 90’s, or even the big teaser that there was going to be a Hocus Pocus 2 (such a disappointment)!  Yet one seems to come up over and over again that I just don’t know if I can relate to well – the story of “Mommy Wars.”

The introduction of Pinterest in to most of our lives has probably made us all feel inadequate in some way or another.  There are amazing recipes that we should be making for our families, adorable costumes we should be starting to sew for our children to wear on Halloween, and over-the-top themed parties to be had for every stinking holiday imaginable!  I should tell you all that I am not a great cook, made a pair of boxer shorts in home-ec class in eighth grade that promptly fell apart in the wash, and will expect you to bring a dish if I want to have you over for a party.  And no, there won’t be a theme or even a festive drink.  We are serving beer and wine.  Deal with it!  I’m the worst Pinterest mom ever!

Yet just because I am terrible at all of these things does not mean that I don’t like them or add them to my virtual pin-boards.  Of course I do!  And of course, if you were to look at them you would be expecting me to make gourmet dinner tonight while wearing a phenomenal outfit in my exquisitely decorated mansion.  For some moms this means that we must be in competition with one another.  That your kid’s birthday party has to be more over-the-top than my kid’s party.  That your Fourth of July has to be way more exciting than mine.  That everything you do must make every other mother out there swoon and say, “Man, if I could only be like her!”

This isn’t my reality.  It isn’t just because I know *most* of you aren’t making gourmet dinners every night, wearing perfectly put together outfits with matching wedge heels, and flitting around your mansions.  It is because my experience has taught me that we aren’t at war with one another.  We are attempting to create A VILLAGE!

My husband sent me a link to an article today that revealed the author’s greatest fears for our youth.  One of these fears was that “the village” was disappearing.  Those people in our lives who had previously succeeding in helping to raise each other’s children were going by the wayside.  Sure, I agree that some parents are quick to snap if someone corrects their child in front of them, that many parents are eager to blame teachers instead of their own children, and that many people do nothing more than shake their heads at poor behavior.  However, I also must reflect on my own situation. 

I am not at war with mothers.  I am in an alliance.  And a BIG ONE!  My village is HUGE!  Where some people are finding Pinterest and Facebook as battlegrounds for these so-called “Mommy Wars,” I am finding them to be sources of great help and strength.  Since Kendall has been born I have taken to Facebook dozens of times seeking advice, from what kind of shoes I should be buying her, to different Mommy and Me activities, to finding her a pediatrician.  I have connected with so many different people, it is remarkable!

- When I was trying to conceive one of my greatest sources of comfort was a girl with whom I went to high school.  We didn’t talk much throughout college, but suddenly, there she was and I was sharing my deepest struggles with her.

- Many of my greatest recommendations for Kendall and pieces of advice as a mom have come from girls from my elementary school.  Some girls are still local, while others are as far away as Connecticut!  It doesn’t even matter that some fifteen years may have passed since we have seen or spoken to one another.  Our motherhood connects us!

- As I am faced with more and more challenges as a wife, mother, and teacher, I have discovered a new friend!  Although we went to high school together, we weren’t friends then.  In fact, I’m not sure we had ever spoken to one another!  But that doesn’t matter, as our situations in life are so similar now. 

- With my time off during the summer, the opportunities for play dates are presenting themselves.  These aren’t just with friends that I have had for years and years, but play dates with girls from elementary school and high school.  Again, it has been YEARS since we have seen one other, but we are still bonded together.

I feel incredibly fortunate and blessed that I have been surrounded by women who are so eager to help, to support, and sympathize.  My successes are celebrated and my failures are commiserated.  And even though many of these interactions are taking place over social media, they are no less important than the ones that happen in person. 

So, for the very important moms in my life (and those who are not moms) who have offered so much of yourselves in support of my daughter and me, I am so very grateful!  Thank you for being a part of my village.

Moms-to-be, you MUST do this!

It was a harsh cry that broke the silence at 5:00 am this morning.  The monitor on my nightstand vibrated from the sound.  Immediately, I jumped from sleep-mode in to mommy-mode.  I grabbed my video monitor and watched as poor Kendall stood in her crib, clutching her blankie.  That was the signal that something had upset her and she was not about to go back to sleep on her own.  Not a problem at all.  My girl needed me and I was there.

After nursing, snuggling, and trying to settle her down for an hour, she was asleep.  Hallelujah!  There was just one major obstacle that stood between me and my bed: her closed bedroom door.  As I sat in her glider and watched her fall in to a blissful sleep, I wondered, “How in the heck am I going to get out of here?!”  There were so many things that could and WOULD wake her up. 

First, let’s just state the obvious: my creaky bones.  I am twenty-eight years old and have the creaky bones of an eighty-year old woman.  The second I try to slither out of the chair my knees are going to crack, followed by my feet and ankles, then finished off by a lovely medley of all the vertebra in my back.  Even without anything else standing in my way, my own body was its own noisemaker.

Second, the floor.  It is carpeted, but there are some vents under the floor that make a pretty loud, hollow sound.  Since it is under the floor, I clearly can’t fix it.  Although even if it wasn’t hidden under the floor, I probably couldn’t fix it anyway.  Whatever.  There are noises and I can’t fix them. 

Lastly, the dreaded door.  It creaks.  It is a brand new door that we had installed when we did the nursery, so it isn’t old, just squeaky.  I was going to have to crawl my rickety body over the minefield that was her floor, over to the door, gently peel it open without making ANY noise, and escape through it to safety (and sleep).

Naturally, that didn’t happen.  My body failed me as I set off mine after mine in the floor.  Luckily, I made it over to the door, hidden behind her dresser.  I couldn’t see her, but she wasn’t crying.  I gingerly lifted my arm to turn the handle, pulled the door towards me and CREAK!  And she was up, crying and demanding I stay in the room until she was good and asleep.  Hidden I stayed for fifteen more minutes until she was truly asleep and I was able to slide through the six inch gap I left myself. 

Moms-to-be, learn from these mistakes!  As you finalize preparing your child’s nursery for their homecoming do not overlook one of the most important areas of their room – the door!  You may have all of the diapers, wipes, onesies, and receiving blankets you could ever possibly need.  Yet what you really need is some WD-40.  Grease down those hinges.  Make sure that door is totally quiet when you go to open or close it.  Better yet, grease down the hinges of every door in your entire home.  You never know.

Then, get yourself some glucosamine and chondroitin.  I can’t be the only one who is noticing their bodies are falling in to disrepair.  (And I do Zumba, so we all know that I should be in peak physical condition.)  It should help lubricate your joints so that it isn’t your tip-toeing out of the room that is going to cause your sleeping baby to awaken.

Take it from me, these are a few, overlooked fixes that could be the difference between this:

and this:

Good luck!

You'll understand...

…when you’re a mom.  Ugh.  That is such a frustrating phrase to hear…when you aren’t a mom.  What do you mean I don’t know what all-encompassing love is really like?  How can you say that I don’t understand what it means to be so tired that I could cry?  Why do you think I can’t relate to your life as a mother?

Easy.  Because you can’t. 

My husband and I were married for three and half years before Kendall was born.  During those three and a half years we were able to live our lives as carefree twenty-somethings.  We went out to eat when we wanted to, drank wine when we wanted to, left the house in a moment’s notice, and were completely absorbed in our own lives.  It was wonderful!  Yet this carefree existence made it really hard to relate to a few of my friends who already had children.  Why were they ALWAYS late?  Why can’t they just get a babysitter and come to hang out with us?  What do you mean you are cancelling our plans?  I DON’T GET IT!

Of course I didn’t get it.  How could I?  When I had to get ready to go anywhere, I was free to shower in peace.  I could dry my hair, put on my make-up, and spend as much time as I wanted standing in front of my closest choosing an outfit.  I didn’t need anyone to babysit my dog, Chloe.  She was pretty self-sufficient, so long as there was food and water left for her.  And other than grave illness, there was very little that would cause me to cancel my plans.

However, once I had Kendall I slowly began to understand.  Leaving the house is an art.  Forget getting myself ready, how about getting a baby ready?  Was she fed?  Has she napped?  Did I pack her diaper bag with four diapers, two clean outfits, a few toys, milk/ water, snacks, bib, spoon, etc.?  What if her nap ran longer than I expected?  I dare not wake her.  I’m going to be late.  Or how about the two dozen times we got in to the car only for her to poop at that exact moment, requiring a trip back in to the house to get changed?  I understand why you were late.

Why don’t you get a babysitter?  Um, how about because I don’t want to.  Save for the glorious summer months, I work full-time.  I am a teacher, which means that my hours of operation are from 5:00 am until TBD.  School ends at 2:30 pm.  My ride home takes between an hour to an hour and a half.  Then once I am home I have lessons and grades that could take me until 9:00 pm to as late as 12:00 am.  There is no rhyme or reason to my schedule.  So when you want to plan a whole Saturday to go out and about to an event that is not at all baby friendly, do not even consider asking me to get a babysitter.  Because guess what?  I don’t want to.  I don’t want to give up my precious time with my child to go out.  Sorry.  Actually, I’m not.

(And now that it is summer and I am blessed with being home all week with my little girl, I still may not want to “get a babysitter.”  No offense, but listening to my daughter say, “Hop!” when I ask her what a bunny does is infinitely more fun than anything I would have been doing with you.)

As far as cancelling our plans, something has come up.  My kid is sick.  I am sick.  I am too tired.  I feel guilty asking my babysitter to come and sit with a teething baby.  I have mastitis.**  Any and all of these have been my very valid reasons for cancelling plans.  And no, I can’t just bring my child.  Unless where we are going is around the corner from my house and child-friendly, don’t even ask. 

It was such a pain to hear all of the new and glorious things I would learn when I was a mom, especially when I was CERTAIN I already knew them.  How wrong could I have been?!  I had no idea.  The love I have for my daughter is all-consuming, amazing, and miraculous.  I cry thinking about it and her and how she is the greatest blessing of my whole life.  I could have never perceived what that love would be like.  Ever.  And it is that love that has changed me.  It makes me tardy for events, makes me not want to go places, and it makes me flakey, and flighty, and a different person than you used to know. 

But don’t worry, you’ll understand…when you’re a mom. J

**For the record, when a woman tells you she can’t go out because she has mastitis, the appropriate response is, “OH MY GOSH!  I am SO sorry.  I will pray for you!”  Because it is that bad.

Summer fun with my lady

Back to Blogging

Wow!  It has been quite a long time since I have been able to get on here and share some of my favorite tips and products.  No worries!  I haven’t had a change of heart and decided to keep them a secret.  Rather, I have just been extremely busy.  Between redoing the basement, Kendall’s birthday party, my twin sister’s wedding, and the end of the school year I was running myself ragged.  Therefore, I gave myself a few weeks to recharge, fall in to my new (and favorite role) as stay-at-home-mom for the summer, and get some things accomplished around the house.  Now that those things are completed, I will be back with some new posts, so stay tuned.  For now, enjoy some pictures of my basement and my sister’s wedding.  

Wedding Fun

Me and Kendall at the ceremony

The Bridal Party

 Basement Transformation

This room became...

This room!

With these carefully painted shelves

This bar became...

This bar!

With Cole Hamels

*I can share my tricks of painting the paneling and transforming the room in to what I think feels like a very comfortable family room.  Enjoy!

Registering: What Do I Need?

Now that I have shared my brief list of things that you DO NOT need to register for, let me share my list of BASIC things you DO need. 

1. Swing: If this is not on your registry, put one on immediately.  We used our swing daily until Kendall was seven months old.  The only reason we stopped using it was because it was in the place where we needed to put our Christmas tree.  It was our saving grace and she loved being in there.  Admittedly, she spent a couple of nights it there during that first week home when she would not sleep for anything.  We used the Fisher-Price My Little Lamb Cradle 'n Swing.

2. Boppy: For those of you that plan to breastfeed, this is an absolute must!  However, the boppy is much more than just a prop for feeding.  It was also helpful to sit Kendall up, prop her on the sofa with me, and later practice tummy time.  I will never forget watching her as she learned to push herself up and over the boppy while on her tummy.  She thought it was the best!  Our Boppy.

3. Bassinet:  The first four months of Kendall’s life she spent every night right next to me and I loved it!  I would probably still have her right next to me if she had not grown out of her bassinet.  Alas, she did.  Yet I cannot say enough good things about having her in a bassinet.  It allowed me to check on her through the night, gave her the comfort of having mommy right near her, and helped to teach her how to sleep flat.  Some friends have said that the transition from the Rock and Play to a crib was difficult because of the sudden shift to sleeping flat.  I cannot speak to that, but I will say that once Kendall got over the change of scenery moving from our bedroom to her own, she did just fine.  We used the Simmons Gliding Soothe Bassinet

4. Wipe Warmer: Before registering I too had read lots of lists regarding what to avoid and what to include.  The wipe warmer was typically on the “avoid” list.  So when I received it as a gift from my brother-in-law I will admit that I was less than enthused.  Did I really want to “spoil” my baby with warm wipes?  What would happen when we were out and those warm wipes weren’t available?  Surely, I wouldn’t use it.  WRONG!  When Kendall came home from the hospital I did not have her wipe warmer set up.  Yet the first time Jonathan and I were changing her I grabbed a bunch of wipes, gave them to him and told them to hold them in his hands to warm them.  It was at that point that I realized I needed that wipe warmer.  She never had an issue with diaper changes and the wipes never dried out.  Add it to your list!  We used the Prince Lionheart Wipes Warmer 

5. Play Mat: Until your little one can sit up on their own or scoot around, their play time is pretty stationary.  Be sure to register for a good play mat for them, something that will offer some different sights and sounds that will be (somewhat) of interest.  It also helps to not only have things hanging overhead, but also lower, as you may be doing tummy time on this same mat.  Luckily, our mat had some toys that hung at eye level when Kendall would pick her head up.  These are the same toys she first learned to reach for as well.  We had the Fisher-Price Rainforest Melodies and Lights Deluxe Gym

All of those products are great, but these by far are my favorite!

1. The Miracle Blanket: If you have nothing else for your child, please be sure to purchase one of these.  It is the greatest invention of all time!  My mom had ordered me one of these months before Kendall was born, yet for some odd reason I didn’t pull it out until she was a few weeks old.  What a mistake!  Jonathan and I agonized over swaddling her in receiving blankets, fought to try to keep in wrapped tightly, and struggled with a crying newborn.  However, once I remembered The Miracle Blanket, the fighting stop!  It is a cinch to use, wraps the baby tightly, and stays in place!  We were able to use it until she was about eighteen weeks.  And it wasn’t difficult to wean her from her swaddle, as you are able to unswaddle one limb at a time for an easy transition.  We bought ours here.

2. Blooming Bath: Bathing an infant is no easy task.  They are slippery when they are all wet and soapy, too tiny for a full-size tub, and are hard to maneuver when bathing them in the sink.  However, I found a product that is AMAZING!  The Blooming Bath was perfect to use in our sink when Kendall was an itty bitty newborn.  It fit well in the sink, allowed her to recline comfortably, and Mommy to bathe her without worry.  Once she was too big for the sink, we simply moved her Blooming Bath over to our bathtub.  She was (and still is!) able to sit on it and not slip or slide around, again allowing Mommy some stress-free bathing time.  I am thrilled with this purchase as it is something that we are still using, a full year later!  I plan on buying these for a few friends who are expecting and using them to hold other small gifts.  There are a variety of colors, so choose your favorite at http://www.bloomingbath.com/.

3. White Noise Machine: Your newborn is used to hearing all sorts of sounds inside Mommy’s belly.  Food digesting, blood rushing through your veins, your heart beating…they are all sounds of comfort.  So it makes sense to try to recreate these sounds to ensure that your baby feels safe and secure.  If you do not want to get a specific white noise machine, there are many products out there that are similar.  Now I have been using a white noise machine since college (it helped drown out noises in the dorms), so Kendall listened to that while she was still in our room.  Once she moved to her own room she listened to the Sleep Sheep.  It has a few options for different noises, but we like the sound of waves the best.  For those instances of incessant wailing and crying, we reached for our smart phones, opened up YouTube, and played Baby Got Colic.  I don’t know what it is, but the ambient noises are miraculous when trying to console your devastated child.  In any case, white noise is your friend!

I have many other products I am happy to give feedback on, so feel free to ask in the comments section for other recommendations.  In the next few posts I will be sharing my favorite items for breastfeeding moms and suggestions for gift-giving, so stay tuned for more baby products!

Registering: What Don't I Need?

Everyone has their own suggestions as to what is an absolute necessity and what you can do without when it comes to preparing your home for a new baby.  So when it came time to registering I listened to every possible suggestion.  Jonathan and I got recommendations on the best receiving blankets, diaper brands, and strollers.  However, none of that really means much when you are going around a store, trying to navigate through the endless aisles of incredibly foreign products.

When we registered at Babies ‘R Us I was about twenty weeks pregnant.  (I wanted to register before Christmas so that people could get us things from our registry.  I knew neither of us really needed anything, so it was best to start getting ready for our little one.)  This ended up being a great time in the pregnancy to register.  My morning sickness was under control with my Zofran and I had plenty of energy.  Or so I thought.  Your energy seems to drain right out of you once you hit the aisle of 6,000 pacifiers.  How does anyone ever make any decisions?!

Somehow, we were able to make some selections.  After my baby shower and even after Kendall was actually born though I realized what was actually necessary and what I truly did not need at all.  Assuming that you will be having a baby shower for your loved ones to celebrate your new arrival, here are a few helpful hints when trying to figure out what NOT to register for.

1. Receiving blankets: You will get hundreds of receiving blankets at your shower.  Some of them you will have selected yourself, others you will not have.  Once that baby arrives, it won’t make a difference what you use (either for swaddling or cleaning up spit-up).  Save yourself some time and forego this one.

2. Baby towels and rags: Again, you will get hundreds of these at your shower.  Chances are you will get so many that you will even have some to take back.  So no worries, you don’t have to add this to your list.

3. Soaps and shampoos: Unless you are opting for organic soaps, you do not need to register for these.  Many stores carry little baby bath-kits that are full of shampoo, baby wash, and lotion.  You may receive a lot of these, even if you haven’t registered for them.  Again, save yourself the time.  Someone will buy it.

4. Snap ‘n Go Stroller:  Hear me out on this one.  I think this is a great product.  It is the perfect little vehicle for your infant’s car seat, without having to lug around a giant stroller that you got in the “Travel System.”  However, they are usually around $100!  It seems like a steep price for something that may not get a ton of use.  Find a friend with one and borrow hers.  I got mine on Craigslist for $30 from a very nice woman who lived nearby that had used it only a handful of times.  If you don’t have a friend with one, feel free to borrow mine J

5. Clothes: Tiny clothes are hard to resist.  Anything so small is going to be adorable and you are going to convince yourself that you need it.  But you don’t!  People are going to buy you clothes, especially once that baby is born.  And it seems like when people find out the gender of their baby, clothes are the most popular gift at the baby shower. 

6. Baby bath tub: They might seem like a great idea, but for how long?  And then after you no longer need it, where do you store it?  I have a better solution, so stay tuned!

7. Diaper genie: By the suggestion of our neighbor, we did not add this to our registry.  He said that he and his wife had had one and it was awful!  Although they are to hold in the smell, he said that they do not.  And worst of all, he said that changing the bag was a mess!  Opt for a small trash can with a lid, use old plastic grocery bags, and save yourself forty bucks.

8. Baby shoes and socks: Before Kendall was born, I was obsessed with finding her socks.  I had convinced myself that she absolutely needed them.  Well, I was right…she did need them.  However, a pair of socks that fit newborn feet just don’t exist.  I wasted a ton of energy looking for teeny tiny socks when all I really needed to do was put her in a pair of pants with footies or footie pajamas.  So much easier.

9. Brest Friend Pillow:  Cumbersome, awkward, gigantic.  Get a Boppy instead.  Kendall is one year old and still nursing and we still love our boppy. 

10.  Toys and stuffed animals: There really is not much of a need.  Other than perhaps a play mat and a few little rattles, I would skip registering for toys and focus on some things that you are going to really NEED when that little one arrives.

Of course, these are all things I discovered that were not necessarily the best items for US.  Everyone is different and you may find that there are some items here that you just loved.  For me, none of these are it.  Follow up with me as I give my must have list and my absolute favorite items.

Happy Birthday, Kendall Paige!

Today marks an incredible milestone in Kendall’s life, as well as my own: her first birthday!  I cannot believe how quickly this past year has gone by.  It feels like only yesterday that I was heading over to the hospital to have my non-stress test, only to be told that it would be the day that I would be meeting my baby.  At that moment I had no idea how much love and joy would be brought in to my life.

Throughout my pregnancy countless people told me that a mother’s love for her child is the most powerful love in the world.  I would hear this and think to myself, “Yes, yes, I know.”  But I didn’t know.  I didn’t know just what that love meant.  I didn’t know that that love would be all-consuming.  I didn’t know that that love meant that I would give anything to ensure that my baby would be happy, safe, and healthy.  I didn’t know that that love meant that I would worry about every little thing under the sun.  I didn’t know that that love meant that I would cry (often!) because I felt so immensely blessed.  I didn’t know that I would question what I had done in my life to ever deserve to have such an amazing gift. 

Becoming a mother to Kendall has been the greatest joy of my life.  It is my privilege to watch her learn and grow.  Every day since she has been born I wonder how I got so lucky.  I don’t think I will ever know.  What I do know is that I could have never imagined loving someone more than I love my precious girl.  And that love continues to grow every day. 

Happy birthday, baby girl!  Your mommy loves you more than you could ever hope for or imagine.